A difficult choice

I guess I am not lucky enough to say that I never had a troublesome clash between myself and any other distraction. Some of you might know where I grew up and for everyone else this was a pretty rough area where the measure of your toughness was based upon the checklist of things you have (and the troubles you get yourself into).

And saying ‘things’ I am sorry to admit this included partners too. They were not only (and rarely they were) your soulmate, but rather a symbol of your status. So the coolest boy had to be with the most beautiful girl and the girls were campaigning for the number of boys they got under their feet.

I have always been a little stranger there. Neither did I look for the coolest boy (never liked their attitude anyway) nor was eager to be with the first guy. Thanks to my parents, I have always known what is good or bad. And I always wanted to get out of there.

But ‘when in Rome do what Romans do’… So yes, I have met with some guys who were more interested in showing off with me than in making me happy. Sad memories…

Strangely enough I did feel fine then about playing a status role. Having a relationship for me was a defensive pact and not the emotional connection. Everybody knew that I am with A. so little attempts were made to change that.

What we ended up was having occasional sex (well, you can’t really avoid this when your hormons are jumping up and down, can you?) and spending time more like neighbours, rather than lovers. We never lived together ( I left for good as soon as I could live on my own) but spending nights together I often ended up barely dressed and watching the TV.


Maybe this attitude is the same reason why I do find it comfortable sugaring now. It is pretty much the same: a game of showing off. Being what someone else wants me to be with all formal signs of the relationships, but not actually falling in emotional love.


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